Words From Sinner To Passerby.

When can I own my own world? Every time when I close my eyes to slept, I could see the earlier chapter of my life running through my head, always. I wonder how the future could be. What is the colour? I’m walking in muddy land. Sometime my legs are trapped in the mud. I couldn’t pull out my legs. I tried to shout for help but no one hears. The sky is getting dark. Silence has swallowed the chirpings of birds. I could only hear my own breath, breathing recklessly. I’m suffocating. The air is fatal! As I try to struggle in the land, the branches hurt me so much. It leaves cuts, bleeding furiously. The blood can’t be seen by passer by, the day is too dark. Only I could feel how deep and excruciating it is. So long I walk; I couldn’t see any sign of a clear land. A land filled with greens, with life, with HUMAN! Human that understands. Human that could befriend with. But, only predators I could see. Nonstop they prey on you. The weapons are no longer useful to fight them. Sophisticated one might will; MIND. There will be no equilibrium among people, a reverse reaction, but only a chain reaction. It result may be catastrophic where no one could expect. Well, I’m still waiting, when will the day comes. I want to be the survivor of the deadly life I’m sailing now.

As time goes by, life is full of chances. It depends on whether we able to cope with it. People say God will never close all doors. You will have a way, just the tests that He wanted you to go through. Life has been a test, forever it will be. It is never-ending. Here come the worries, buts, and maybes. Answers are what we needed. Doing our best is not enough, but doing well is essential. Obstacles surface when we want to do well. People’s attitude, environment, and the place that we born in, will make our life different if one of these changes. Good or bad is not in our hands. The world that we live in is not coloured by us. God is the one and only one! Where are you when I most needing you? Life has purpose. I don’t know how we resist from mistakes. What is my purpose? The life has been like haywire. Life is slow and deadly-like. Life is not easy. Life doesn’t want any sympathy from people. Life needs success even if we want to mask ourselves. The life now has inhibited the colourful future that You promised us. Eternal life? When are we gonna get to it, since in this dark world that we live in has darken the road that leads to the eternal life? You stop the chances that we have and make our life miserable. People see from outside that we are strong, and happy, but inside the world topsy-turvy. Sometime we failed to fake. The road is too dark. I can barely look for the chance. Time is gold, for me gold is gold. Time is like a tickling zone that consumes my body. Time will not prosper our life. Gold is a medium for life. Without it, there’s no life. We will have time if we have gold for life that leads to chances. We got no time because we are empty inside thus we will never have chance.

After so many years of tests that He brings, it is enough because it has been very distressed for the never ending test. From the first time start to remember things as a child, He has created a hell that eventually I have survived from it with my perseverance, my willpower, my own courage; of course, I, myself. Everything I tried to earn by my own strength, sadly no one understands. The place that I used to be has colored partial of my world into darkness. The dark that will never get any sunshine, for it has become a perpetual dark, scary, and revengeful world. Footprints left in my heart and so are the wounds left by passerby who is cruel, intentionally to hurt, and leave me in sorrow. I believe they really do, or He was the One who has been playing my life? What’s the purpose? Are you trying to show me the way I’m supposed to be? Stop playing with my life! I have enough tests from you! I have made mistakes that could never be undone. Why? I tell you now! It was all from the Hell that you have put me into. It caused me the one I’m now! My life is still ongoing, and I believe you will never stop treating me as your toy. Did you hear my cries for my tears have dried up because I’m so tired of crying to you? People laugh at me, treating me as worthless or a street dog. Your Words didn’t show me any signs. I felt I’m getting weaker. I’m drifting away. Drifted so far away from the way that you say we have to be. Probably I’m worthless. After so many time I’ve invested, I fear I don’t get your blessings to provide me what I’m hoping for if you still playing with my life. You know what I want in this period, in what I’m doing now…

Things has been so calm and serene since the another symphony began. The previous melody slowly starts to fade. A brand new-life-opening melody has covered the melancholic one. It was so amazing at first where the beat were intense until I lost the ability to follow the notes. The whole piece has gone wild. The notes fast in pace. I kept on chasing to the very last fast note, just before the symphony changed to a melancholic one, or I should say it was a tragic one. The symphony was created by human, thus something could be done to change the way it was. But the piece was unfinished because I believe the ‘composer’ has put it aside already. However, now I realize that while I was too into chasing the fast-pace notes, my mind was haunted by the previous symphony. It makes my mind so confused and there were several times I played the wrong note. Mixing the two different pieces altogether. There were times when the piece needed some pause for giving time for other instruments take part. I have a thought whether I’m fit in this intense moment. The dilemma was like I’m not suppose to let the previous one haunt me and the current fast-pace one, making me suffocating in my life. I was too, angry with myself to commit myself in it. Did I make a mistake and put others in a miserable life? The focus now is so blur. Should I carry eggs in two baskets where I’m not capable on carrying causing the two baskets to fall and break all eggs and nothing left? Maybe I should minus the other basket and be careful and focus on carry one first. Before I could really make up my mind, the fast beat gave me a shock of the intense moment and causing me to break the eggs in the other basket rather than carrying it slowly the second time after the first. Now nothing left. Nothing needed my consideration on whether to carry it once in two baskets or one by one at once, nothing. I felt the force was too strong and no thought could be made, and eventually you see it in dead end already. Currently, the feeling is empty, but I think I should reserve the emptiness for something really big. By the way, internally could feel that the mind has grown up. No more minute issues can bring miserable in life. After the crescendo of the symphony, came the end of the song. It sounded so familiar! It was something like the previous symphony, but the ‘composer’ added on and said it was similar, but this one was milder in the sense of the melody compare to the previous finale. “Thank you to the musician who has taken part for playing the notes” said the ‘composer’ and walked away after that..

I doubt the pain has gone for I still have you in my heart sometimes. I hope that your footprints are disappearing as time goes by. Looking back at your silhouette does bring back wonderful memory. This cause me so much pain last time, however the pain now is lesser. I’m fearing the cut will be deeper if I would meet you again. Shall I treat you as cruel as you treated me by assuming you a trash that meant to be in rubbish bin only? I got no alternatives because you have given me a dead-end, ‘to leave it and forget’. How am I supposed to choose? You have given me an option that I have nothing to choose. Forgetting brings me so much pain. A cut after a cut in my heart and the wound is still bleeding furiously. Maybe I have moved my focus to something that makes me realize life not just owning someone only, again. Love and tears have dried up. Shall I still holding tight unto our loosen bond which promises an empty dream? Loving you shall give you a chance and respect your decision to move forward with your life. Shall our acquaintance will not be forgot until the very end of our life. Let a different beating of the concerto to bring our life to a way that we meant to be. Your life and, my life. Indeed, a promise is a promise and shall never forget there was once I loved you before.

Time is running out. I’m trying to figure out what is the best for me. Sometimes, feel like wanted to run away from the reality and immunize myself from the cruelty of the world with my work. I did it once! I don’t hope, but I wanted it to work this time so badly. Time is running out. No time for me to think about those buts or maybes. All I want is to head straight away to my destination. Nothing could stop me! Even I have to leave those of my beloved. People might see I’m changing to a self-centered person. Well, it’s good! At least people can notice me instead of treating like a stray dog like before which worth of ignorance. I beg. I try to please them, nothing in return! Useless! My spirit was so down initially. But, as time goes by, I see something worth of trying. Thinking I should take a step, only a step at one time. This lead to FOCUS! I want those motivations which live up my spirit will continue to light up the burning of passion in my heart. Once a stray dog, forever I want to be a stray dog outside. I want people to know I’m that stupid dog forever, but there’s something they won’t know until they…

im suffocating.feel like the air i breathe is no longer the living-air.without u rili makes my life in misery. people say, there’s no way we cant live if lost someone. im living as a living body, but contains a dead soul.the soul has dried up without u being with me.there is no way i can gain u bak, i know. but why isn’t there any answer that u will give me to end all this? please dun leave me half-dead.KILL ME!!! KILL ME!!! KILL ME!!! for im still faking ur presence in my mind. this is so hard. so hard till i wanted to end all this with the sharp edge of a knife piercing deep into my heart. i doubt i will be pain, compares the cuts that u left. is not the empty love that i sacrificed, but it’s the pain which unbearable that u are giving me.u left me in a doubtful life. please end all this.tell me what u want!tell me so everything can come to an end!!! i know i can live my life without u again, but jus hoping the answer or the call to bring this to an END! don’t force it to a DEAD-END!

Love is blind. It is as blind as a blind man who has no idea of his surroundings like. What place he is at and who are the people around him. The problem is not that where he is or knowing the people around him, instead he has lost the sense of direction and people are masking themselves from him, even his beloved one. People so fear of getting hurt. They tend to protect themselves rather than just give out their heart for others had given theirs. When two get together, each won’t treat others equal. There is no equality as explained by science theories. One will give more than other will. These make our mind puzzled whether we are right for treating others with the way that we think is ‘okay’. We try to learn from the previous mistakes we made-not to trust other so fast or hope them to treat us good, but we just won’t. It’s just like a blind man who has got used to the way that he uses everyday for traveling from one place to another, and remembering the faces of people he got to know before he lost his sight. He’s afraid of trying a new way to continue his life. Well, after all it will only leave a perpetual memory of what he has done before this. He has totally lost the contact with others. He doesn’t know what is happening around him. People changing, but he doesn’t know why. All he feels is people are hiding and try to run from him. They fear they have to bear this responsibility to take care of this blind man. The blind man has no more value to them. Even a sense of appreciation on what he has done before. People around is only masking themselves every time when they talk to him. The blinds are using their every sense to feel the world even though they have lost their sight, but failed. However, they know, it will not be the same anymore. Poor blind man! What the Creator can do is to let this man learn from different way. Learning the same old mistakes in another perspective, so he will realize and not to allow his stupidity causing him self to be trapped in this dark and cruel world. He wished his emptiness can be filled with the love that he try to craved from others, but all that is just an empty promise that people can give so he could live his life better. What the stupidity of the man has brought in the end? Misery! The misery that surfaces in the man’s life is a hurtful and unforgettable. He hopes to cure his wounds in his hurtful heart, but every time, what he gets is another wound. Is has been like a drug. We can’t live without it, though we know it’s hurting us. We are poisoning ourselves. We wanted to get more but every time unsatisfied, and we go after another once it gives no effect so we have something to depend on to live our life from the previous scars.

Is there something miracle is about to happen or is there a turning point again in life again? Sometimes God is so far and sometimes He’s so near. Feeling life is in an up-side-down motion. The feeling is just like something stirring your heart to crave more from Him. You can’t even resist from the feeling when it comes. He is truly in front of you when your eyes are shuts and hands lifted above to the Father. Meeting the believers in some intersection of life might be a plot by Him with a purpose to make us realize that we are drifting away from His way. At one point He really shows that you have to be faithful to Him whenever you hear people praise His named joyfully. In all, He’s everything on this earth. Every creature will speak of His name: an indescribable wonderful name. Leave our burden unto Him for He’s ever ready to share your problems. Every time I meet His believers, each of them share a meaningful message or scriptures with me making me realize that life is nothing without His presence. Praise Him with all you heart for He’s the Almighty that prepares a place for you on His throne when the day comes. The message or scriptures that people shared left a perpetual mark unto my life. For I will say, He will be living in me forever ‘cos all I need is You.

Your eyes are as if a jewel where it sparkles it captures my eyes even without looking straight into it. From the side ways, I could vividly see your cheerful smile. I hope the sparkle of your eyes and the sweet smile is for me. When I’m alone, your with me. Whenever I try to hold you, you’re gone because you’re not real. The colour you like really outshining as your character. When can I have a talk with you ever again? Have we reached to a junction, and we are heading to our own journey and there will be no interception again? I miss you. I miss the voice that you used to speak to me. I’m still hoping to have you sitting by my side, holding me tight, and listen to all my problems. Every problem is gone when I’m in your arms. Feeling your body, feeling the hug, feeling your presence will make me happy again. Indeed, I miss you a lot.